Okay, so I realize it's been a while since I last posted. My apologies. But I'm here to tell you...no promise you that you will be hearing a lot more from me. No I haven't quit my job to take this on full time. As much as I wanted to win the Mega Millions, I didn't.
You see, I have a friend. Well, I have several friends. At least a dozen. Maybe a baker's dozen. Well, maybe just a dozen. One of them - we'll call her Mona - is about to have a kidney transplant. No, Mona is not a random 85-year-old diabetic woman I befriended by volunteering at the local nursing home. Nursing homes freak me out. I really don't want to get so old that I'm stuck living someplace that I am not smart enough to get out of even though plastered on the door is the difficult passcode of "1 2 3 4".
Back to Mona. She's one of these skinny bitches that is great at everything, nice, stylish, talented - your basic nightmare that you would never be friends with. Her only saving grace is she's a boozy whore like me. And she's my date to see uncomfortable movies like "Girl with a dragon tattoo" and "Black Swan." You just can't see a movie about ass rape or masturbation with just anyone.
Mona has her transplant surgery in a few days and then will be stuck out of town for many weeks while she recovers from surgery. She has to stay close to the clinic (many hours away from our town) to make sure the new kidney is good to go. I know she'll be going partly nuts during this time away as she's normally a very busy, active girl. (Again, why am I friends with her?) So I figure the least I can do is write a little something funny everyday that she can read and remember how awesome I am. And never let it be said that I don't do the least I can do. Also never let it be said that I can't turn any situation back to being about me. It's one of my greatest gifts.
Tonight we're "Carbing up for Cancer" by indulging in a lot of pizza and beer before she heads out. (I'm pretty sure it is what her doctor prescribed.) However, I realized a little while ago that of my girlfriends that are attending this soiree - 3 are pregnant, 1 doesn't drink and 1 is a transplant patient. Holy shit! Maybe I need to hit the nursing home to find some partners in crime for tonight. So I'm taking applications for a new set of girlfriends. I must have proof of your birth control method and a physical will be required.
P.S. On a serious note, please say a prayer for my dear friend. It's okay, God knows her real name. And a very special prayer for the super generous donor who is giving up one of his kidneys. God bless him today and every day.
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