A change will do you good.

My office is in the midst of a move. My oldest is graduating from pre-school and tonight we're attending a Kindergarten 101 class to meet his new teacher and see his classroom. My youngest is about to turn the big 02.

Makes me think maybe I should make a big change. I could color my hair a radical color. Maybe be a red head. I don't know if I'm the right kind of crazy to be a red head. Maybe go Platinum? My tits aren't perky enough to be a platinum blonde. I could chop a ton of hair off. Except I'm not a lesbian.

Hmmm. What to do. What to do.

Maybe I'll just poop in a public restroom today.

First Kiss

Last night my 5-year-old told me he had a secret to tell me, but I couldn't tell Daddy. This was in front of the hubby of course because whether you are 1 or 100, the best part of having a secret from someone is them knowing you have a secret from them. So he came over to me to whisper in my ear. I expected it to be something like, "Optimus Prime is my favorite Transformer." or "I shot a bunny."

"Shooting a bunny" is code for farting in our house. Yes, it is necessary to have a code for farting. We're classy people. You don't just let one rip and laugh. You rip one and then say you shot a bunny.

Instead, my son whispered, "I kissed Emma." Emma is a girl in his class, also 5-years-old. Later in the evening he came clean to the hubby who got more information out of him about this kiss. Here's what we know.
 - It happened Friday.
 - On the playground.
 - It was both of their idea.
 - It was on the lips.
 - No one else was around.

I'm not upset about the kiss. I think it is funny and adorable. And I'm impressed he's already kissing girls. If I was kissing boys in pre-school, I don't remember it. I was much older when I had my first kiss.

Boys didn't become interested in me until the glasses became contacts, the braces came off, the Jehri curl mullet grew out and I learned to straighten my hair and my concave breasts became ample B cups almost overnight. So my first kiss didn't happen until an embarrassingly lot of years later.

I also don't believe this was his first kiss. I've seen him play kiss tag. He's not scared to pin a girl down and kiss her. These kinds of things are cute at 5. It will probably feel a little more criminal in ten years. So I just told him what any good mother would tell her son after he had his first kiss.

Play on, Playa!

50 Shades of Perv

I haven't read 50 Shades of Grey. I'm not entirely sure I will. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about some good erotica reading material. After reading Hunger Games I thought about writing some additional scenes and sending them to the author thinking they could sell the G rated version to teens and the X rated version to adults. Really, it is a brilliant idea that earns you twice as much money. If I ever write a book, I should do that. Although I'm not sure I'm capable of doing anything G rated.

When something is a big hit and I haven't gotten on the train from the beginning I always think I will just let it pass me by. At one point I claimed I would not read the Twilight books and then eventually did and loved them. I said I wouldn't read the Hunger Games book and of course did. I think the only thing I've stuck with to this day is that I've still never watched one minute of Lost. (Cut to me watching it tonight.)

As I understand it, 50 Shades of Grey is super kinky - some dude in his 50's meets a girl in her early 20's. She's a virgin and he has a secret sex room. He takes her virginity and tries out all his kinky ideas on her. Maybe they're in love. I haven't heard the word "love" mentioned from friends that have read it.

This series of books reminds me of V.C. Andrews (Flowers in the Attic). When I was in grade school my girlfriends and I would find the dirty parts in the V.C. Andrews books and read the section over each other's shoulders giggling thinking it was all very taboo. V.C. Andrews had some incest in her books so she may have a leg up on 50 Shades of Grey. If the couple in 50 Shades of Grey are father/daughter, please someone let me know immediately because then I definitely don't ever want to read it. Kissing cousins is one thing, but that's a whole other Alabama craziness that I'm not ready for. A girl has to have her limits.

Even me.

I have several friends that are pregnant right now. I like the optimism and blind ignorance of parents-to-be. I remember being one. I remember all the claims I made before I became a parent. Like claiming I would never let my child sleep with me. I would never let my child have a pacifier after the age of one. 

My oldest comes down and sleeps in a sleeping bag next to our bed on most nights, a trick we finally learned to keep him out of our bed. And we finally kicked the pacifier habit after he turned three. 

I also thought I would never be the kind of parent that is yelling at their kid during a soccer game, but for the last few weeks that's definitely been who I am. I realize he's only five, but if he could just spend 90 seconds a game paying attention to what is happening around him instead of chasing his shadow, turning into a transformer mid-game or seeing how fast he can wind his arm around like a windmill it would be a small miracle. I'm not looking for him to be the next Beckam. I just want him to focus and try...at least a little. 

Occasionally some of the other kids are more interested in their own imaginations than what is happening on the field around them. The other day at practice one of the other players was crawling around on the ground and roaring. Then I heard his mother yell, "Aidan, you are not a fire dragon!" 

God bless her and her fire dragon son. 

Three Wishes

Let's pretend I've rubbed the genie's bottle and I get three wishes. First I'd wish for more wishes, but that dick of a genie will tell me that's not allowed. And that's how we know genies are dudes.

#1. I'd wish that I could learn and retain information through osmosis. No, I wouldn't just wish for the cure for cancer. Because we'll eventually figure it out and then something worse than cancer will arise. I believe the information is out there, we just need to figure out how to make the cure. So through osmosis I can be the smartest person in the world and surely can figure it out. This also solves my issue for money. I need not wish for money if I know more than everyone else. The person that comes up with the cure to cancer is going to make a few bucks. I feel pretty certain of that. Plus I'll have a ton of schools and libraries named after me and I won't even have to give them money. They will just name them after me because I'm so awesome. Hello Nobel Peace Prize winner! And you know Madonna would totally want to meet the person that cures cancer. Hello, new BFF!

No, I'm not going to wish that everyone could learn through osmosis. I'm giving you the cure to cancer. Be reasonable. How can I be better than you if you know just as much as I do? You can be this smart, you just have to actually read all of the words instead of putting it under your pillow at night. You're so lazy.

#2. I wish that all of the calories in foods were opposite. For example, say a Chicago-style slice of pizza - really loaded with cheese and pepperoni and dripping in grease - would normally have 1,000 calories or something terribly high like that and a slice of celery has like 1 calorie. It now is switched around. So the more delicious the food is to me the better it is for me. The taste is still the same, it's just the health assets in it are opposite. There will be commercials about staying away from peas as they will give you cancer. I mean, there will be those commercials until I come up with the cure for cancer. Then it will just be that they are generally bad for you and make you obese or whatever.

See, this wish is good for all of us. You know who it is not good for? Those annoying all organic, vegan skinny assholes. Let them be the fatties for a while.

#3. Lastly, I'd wish for an unlimited amount of motivation. This goes beyond energy level. I have energy now. I just don't have the motivation to do things. For example, I hate the clutter on my dresser, yet I lack the motivation to designate the time to finding homes for all the mundane items that collect there. Plus, without the motivation my osmosis wish really means nothing.

What would your three wishes be? I mean, beyond to hang out with me.