The holidays are upon us and most of you ladies are probably trying to figure out what to get all of those people on your list including your spouse/boyfriend/lover/sex slave. You guys, aren't thinking about this at all yet, but come maybe December 20th you might begin pondering it. So here are a few suggestions for the ladies and the gentlemen. The real, the childish and the kinky.
For the ladies:
First, let's back up for a second. Let's start with what NOT to get her. Do not get her anything kitchen/cooking related. I received a food processor for Christmas once. Sometimes it is like he's never met me before. His excuse - "You asked for one!" Correction. I told him to suggest it as a gift idea for me to his mother. It's not that I hate food processors. I thought it would be a useful thing to have that I was unlikely to ever buy for myself. It's a perfect thing for an in-law-type of person to get me as a gift. It is not an appropriate thing for my husband to get me.
If your wife is really into cooking. And by that I mean, she specifically asked for a kitchen/cooking related item, it is like a hobby for her, then go for it. If you think she is into cooking because she prepares the meals for the family, do not. I don't mind cooking. I don't hate it like mopping the floors, but I don't love it like drinking wine. It's necessary to do until I can afford a personal chef. So just because she doesn't complain about cooking doesn't mean she wants a blender wrapped up for her under the Christmas tree from you. If so, that shit better come with margarita mix, ice, salt and tequila. She's going to need it.
Also, do not get her anything exercise related or a gym membership unless she specifically asks for this. If your wife is a runner, does marathons and that kind of thing - fine. There are exceptions to every rule. But if she has mentioned that she needs to lose some weight or kick off the New Year with a fitness routine - this does not mean you should show your support with some weights and a Yoga DVD in her stocking. This will not get you laid on Christmas.
Alright, here's what you can get her. Of course it would be lovely of you to think ahead of time and put time and effort into it. It doesn't have to be expensive. Go through photos and make her something. You can do so much with photos and I don['t mean a sweatshirt with a picture of you on it. If you have kids - put their photos in jewelry like a locket or a charm bracelet. Make her a photo book of photos from the past year. Hell, make her a mix tape. If you put some time, thought and energy behind it - I promise she will appreciate it because it really shows you care. Plus she'll be amazed you put time, thought and energy behind anything not sports or porn related.
Give her a helping hand. The love coupons were cute at one point in time, but let's face it we shouldn't need a coupon to get you to do a chore you should be helping with already. And do we really need a coupon for sex? That's what boobs are for. Schedule to have the house cleaned, car detailed or serviced. Make her life easier in some way - if only for a day. She is likely to have remembered everyone you two needed to give gifts for this year, thought of ideas for them, shopped and purchased them, wrapped them and then signed both of your names to it. What did you do to get ready for the holidays?
Matching bra and panties. Go to her dresser. Review at least three bras and three pairs of underwear for sizing. Go to department store. Ask for help. That's what the salespeople are for. I'm not talking about some sort of nightie. That gift is for you. This gift is for her, but you will get paid back with some sweet loving. Something simple, but still sexy. Good quality. Let her know you think she's still got it. If you don't think she's still got it, then fake it and face the fact that it is highly unlikely that you've still got it, too.
For the gentlemen:
I recently gave my husband a remote control helicopter for his birthday. Like a kid in a fucking candy store. And this gift works for every man in your life. He gets the thing out and all males in my house are immediately enthralled. This includes a 1 year old, a 4 year old and a 10 year old male cat. I feel confident this will apply to men of all ages. They come in every price point. The one I purchased was $35. It's been in his possession for 2 weeks and hasn't broken yet. If he already has a remote control helicopter, get him another one. He's likely to have broken the one he has by Christmas anyway.
Two words for you. Bacon Lube. It's real. Google it. The next best thing to just laying bacon all over your naked body. Because there is nothing better than bacon. If you are a vegan or vegetarian....well, I'll save another post for your dumb asses.
I hope this helps you this holiday season. If you have other gift ideas, share them here.
Happy Shopping!
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