shut up...shut up...shut up...

This is what happens in my house when I start talking. The hubby puts his hands over his ears, closes his eyes and says, "shut up...shut up...shut up..."

It doesn't work, but he tries.

This is what I have been doing every time I hear from these New Year's Resolutioners. Ugh. They are so annoying. And some have been doing this long before the New Year. I realize being a fatty isn't for everyone. Some people want to be fit and healthy. Fine. To each their own. But stop beating the rest of us over the head with it.

I - and the rest of your Facebook friends - do not need to know how many miles you ran today and in what time. We're not impressed. Yes, we are judging you. But for all the wrong reasons. We are not gathering motivation from you. Instead we are simply having hateful thoughts about you. None of us think you will continue all year with this regime. Mostly we are wishing for you to give up on your New Year's resolution just so you will stop posting about it.

Then there are those of you - some of my closest friends by the way - that are signing their lives away for various races throughout 2012. Now, I'm not trying to be a hypocrite here. I've done some races. Normal things like 5K's and one 12K - which I fell on my face after the first mile (got laughed at by a bunch of gays) and spent the rest of the time hobbling to the finish line with blood running down my legs. Lesson learned. And that wasn't a slam on someone calling them gay as a put down. The race was in San Francisco. Some hot young gentlemen in super hero bikini briefs were running behind me. They stopped, pointed and laughed. They didn't even help a hag up. Now, those are some mean gays.

These ex-friends of mine are signing up for fucking marathons. Marathons are about the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. It might even be dumber than the do-it-yourself wall print of my initials made up of buttons that another girlfriend keeps trying to talk me into. I need some new fucking friends. The ones I have are ridiculous.

A marathon is 26 miles. A few miles more - and we're at my daily commute that I do twice a day, 5 days a week...in a car. Like a civilized person. Do these people not understand that we have cars now? It's 2012. You don't have to run away from lions or some other wildlife. And if that was the case, you are no where fast enough to out run the majority of wild animals. And I don't believe for a second that it is "fun". If this is your definition of fun then you obviously need to hang out with me more to discover what real fun is.

And then we have CrossFitters. Oh holy shit, these people speak in their own language and love it. It's like a freaking cult. I'm not going to lie. CrossFit interested me and I asked a friend about it. From what I understand it is about a 30 minute work out that you can do at a gym or at home daily. Each day is a different set of calisthenics looped together to push different parts of your body. Sounds pretty good, right? Wrong. Because then these fools start talking in code saying things like "WOD, Burpee, Clean and Jerk - which doesn't mean what I think it should mean - Ring Dips, Snatch Balance - again, not what you think - and more." Do I have to join a cult just to get some exercise?

Now, I know there are some freaks of nature that do Iron Men and crazy shit like that. More power to them. I enjoy watching it from the comfort of my couch. Their efforts are amazing, scary and mentally questionable. But I'm impressed.

I just think we should go back to a world where people exercise and they don't push it in your face. You see, I had a dream that one day fatties and skinnies can live together in peace and harmony with love for each other without judgement and most importantly without pushing your actions on one another.

Now, if you will excuse me I have some chips to get back to.