Three Wishes

Let's pretend I've rubbed the genie's bottle and I get three wishes. First I'd wish for more wishes, but that dick of a genie will tell me that's not allowed. And that's how we know genies are dudes.

#1. I'd wish that I could learn and retain information through osmosis. No, I wouldn't just wish for the cure for cancer. Because we'll eventually figure it out and then something worse than cancer will arise. I believe the information is out there, we just need to figure out how to make the cure. So through osmosis I can be the smartest person in the world and surely can figure it out. This also solves my issue for money. I need not wish for money if I know more than everyone else. The person that comes up with the cure to cancer is going to make a few bucks. I feel pretty certain of that. Plus I'll have a ton of schools and libraries named after me and I won't even have to give them money. They will just name them after me because I'm so awesome. Hello Nobel Peace Prize winner! And you know Madonna would totally want to meet the person that cures cancer. Hello, new BFF!

No, I'm not going to wish that everyone could learn through osmosis. I'm giving you the cure to cancer. Be reasonable. How can I be better than you if you know just as much as I do? You can be this smart, you just have to actually read all of the words instead of putting it under your pillow at night. You're so lazy.

#2. I wish that all of the calories in foods were opposite. For example, say a Chicago-style slice of pizza - really loaded with cheese and pepperoni and dripping in grease - would normally have 1,000 calories or something terribly high like that and a slice of celery has like 1 calorie. It now is switched around. So the more delicious the food is to me the better it is for me. The taste is still the same, it's just the health assets in it are opposite. There will be commercials about staying away from peas as they will give you cancer. I mean, there will be those commercials until I come up with the cure for cancer. Then it will just be that they are generally bad for you and make you obese or whatever.

See, this wish is good for all of us. You know who it is not good for? Those annoying all organic, vegan skinny assholes. Let them be the fatties for a while.

#3. Lastly, I'd wish for an unlimited amount of motivation. This goes beyond energy level. I have energy now. I just don't have the motivation to do things. For example, I hate the clutter on my dresser, yet I lack the motivation to designate the time to finding homes for all the mundane items that collect there. Plus, without the motivation my osmosis wish really means nothing.

What would your three wishes be? I mean, beyond to hang out with me.