Too hot for the hot tub.

Oh dear friends, we meet again. It's been a good fortnight or two since I've last blogged.

Alright, enough with the accent. I have things to complain about. Specifically this hot-as-hell weather. Someone please call the Waaa-mbulance because I'm hot and cranky and whiney. Temps over 100 degrees are ridiculous and everyone should receive the day off to just let all their fat hang out in the privacy of their own home. When that doesn't happen they let all their fat hang out where I can see them. Plus I've become annoyed by the sound of my own flip flops. I made the mistake of wearing wedges the other day and I think I actually lost consciousness for a moment when I took them off due to the horrendous stench.

My kids have a BMI of -2% so they aren't nearly as affected by this heat which means they want to play outside 24/7. When I try to play with them outside, they complain that I take up all the space in the kiddy pool. Well, fuck me. It's too hot out to not be submerged in water. Go fend for yourselves! Grow bigger so you can fight me off. Until then, I'm the queen of this kiddy pool!

Plus the heat makes everyone so irritable. Well, it is either that or the constant stream of political posts on Facebook.

And there are all these crazy fires in Colorado and terrible hurricanes in Florida. Guess I shouldn't complain about the usual hot temps in the Midwest, but this is my blog and I can do what I damn well please. Don't like it? Stop reading it.

Okay, don't stop reading it. I need you to read it to justify my existence. Who else is going to do that? My husband? My kids? Bitch, please.

For real though, how is it that man has managed to create something as amazing as an iPhone, but we haven't evolved enough as a society to figure out how to put out a fire? Doesn't that seem like something we should have figured out by now? Can't you buy a fire extinguisher at Walmart? I know I have a good gallon of water collecting under my breasts right now. I'd be happy to dump it on the fire. I've seen footage of these huge flames that are miles and miles wide, and then there is a little plane flying over it with essentially the equivalent of an old man peeing on the fire. Really? That's all we've got? Is that really the best we can do?

I'd solve all the world's problems today, but it is just too damn hot. Maybe when we're under triple digits I can do some more good for my community. Until then it's probably better to keep a safe distance away.