Back to school. Back to school. To prove to dad that I'm no fool.

I see you, Swan.

OK, if you didn't pick up on that reference, it is from Billy Madison and you must stop (after reading this blog) what you're doing and go watch it. If you're drunk or a little stoned first that will probably help you enjoy it more. So I've heard.

All the kiddies are heading off to school and parents are crying all over their Facebook pages about it. As my children are still babies and I work full time I don't know this so called pain that you all speak of. My checkbook looks forward to the day that I can stop paying for day care and instead send them off to school where they can learn to roll tight joints, figure out which gang they are going to join, and pick up some new strand of STD. But enough about the public school system.

To the parents that have a child moving off to college, I say to you this. I realize you're upset. You're baby is moving away and you are no longer going to be hovering over them able to protect them and look out for them. Hopefully you've done what you can to this point to raise them to be respectful and responsible young adults. So while you're worrying about moving them into college and buying their books, let me give you some advice that you should remember to pass onto them.

Over 18 means they are an adult and although they can still come home to mommy and daddy, if they get busted for something like say....drugs, fake ID, etc....they will be tried as an adult. No juvie for them. So, before you buy the bag of weed, flash a pretty smile at the bouncer while passing him a fake or whatever other common college maneuver, understand your consequences and make alternative decisions. For example, a standard dorm fridge will hold a case of beer. An Eddie Bauer standard backpack will also hold a case of beer. Getting busted with beer in the dorm is a minor offense in comparison.

College is for grown ups. If you over sleep or skip a class, no one is going to be calling to check on you. Once you skip one class it is easier to give into yourself and skip subsequent classes so go as long as you can without skipping a class. When you do skip a class do something productive like hanging out on the quad playing hackey sack with the hippies or celebrating 4:20 in your dorm room with friends. This is college after all.

Girls - alcohol leads to sex. It's not date rape just because you regret it. So understand what you are putting into your body and the amount you can handle. 18-21 year old single boys are looking to hook up whenever possible. It's called a boner and it calls the shots. And without the threat of curfew and getting caught by the girl's parents, the pressure he will put on you to hook up with him is even greater. Just because he bought you and your friends a round of shots, doesn't make him a gentleman. And ladies, let's not pretend you're all so sweet and innocent. Getting wasted just so you can blame the tragic hook up on alcohol isn't fooling anyone. It's called a walk of shame for a reason.

This last piece of advice was passed onto me from my father shortly after I graduated from high school. We took a family vacation to Maui and one evening my dad and I were strolling along the beach guided by the moonlight and he gave me this sage advice that I have found extremely useful again and again.

If you find yourself spinning laying in bed at the end of an evening, place one foot on the floor and this will help cease the spinning.

True story.

So, if you have other advice for these parents or these students going off to school, please share it in the comments below.